I've Got My Eye On You...

(but just one. The other one is still watching the Count video. I watch it at least once a day. Right before I f@#& myself.)

My favorite pasttime lately is tracking hits to this blog on Sitemeter, the gift that keeps on taking. About fifty percent are courtesy of myself, once again proving that I am, indeed, obsessed with all things Jonah. Another thirty percent are my friends, acquaintances, and general well-wishers who either have nothing better to do, or figure that visiting the blog is cheaper than regular trips to the looney bin that they will probably need to confine me in if no one reads it. Perhaps one or two actually find the site humorous, though judging from my circle of friends, that's probably just a side-effect of the narcotics.

The remaining twenty percent of visitors to my blog are random Google searches. Over the past month, a significant number of hits on my blog have come from people (all over the world) looking for websites on, inter alia, "gefilte fish movie reference," "jonah's choices," "bugle boy scrubber," and "male prostitute vacation" (actually, now that I think of it, that last one was me also).

But my favorite hit so far comes courtesy of a web surfer from Greenville, Texas, searching for "Japanese enemas." If you're out there, Mr. (or Ms.) Greenville, Texas, I'd like to meet you. All I know about you right now is your IP address and your geographic coordinates (Lat:33.1182, Long:-96.0986), which, granted, is more than I know about some of my tricks. But I want to know more! Who are you? What are your hopes, your dreams, your favorite I Love Lucy episodes? Do you love/hate Miss Piggy as much as I do?

And, most importantly, Mr. or Ms. Greenville, Texas, why are you searching for Japanese enemas? Is it just a fetish (no judgment here -- happiness is just a BM away), or do you have a practical need for them? Fortunately, due to my mother's obsession with bowel movements and my own taste for branflakes, I've never needed one personally. Good thing too, since there's not much room up there to begin with. But if you do need an enema, Mr. or Ms. Greenville, Texas, why does it have to be Japanese? Is it because you're petite? Are Japanese enemas built specifically for smaller anuses? Or are you simply guided by the preconception that Japanese products are generally better than American ones? Because that's a false notion in this case. I wouldn't be caught dead in American-made clothing (how else will Taiwanese children support themselves?), but when it comes to enemas, I'd rank the American version at the very top of the food chain. If anyone knows how to stuff crap up their butts, it's Americans. When you see that "Made In America" label, you know you're getting a quality enema. I'm disappointed in you, Mr. or Ms. Greenville, Texas. And here I thought Texans were supremely patriotic people -- someone check W's medicine cabinet, stat!

Three other thoughts today, that you have little or no interest in:

1. My mother wants to come visit me in DC. Apparently she recently discovered the Chinatown bus, which she thinks is a miraculous invention -- roundtrip from New York City to DC for 35 bucks? It's the American-Jewish Dream! Can anyone think of a good excuse to get out of this? You know, besides the old standards "I have to work this weekend," and "sorry, Mom, it's my turn to host the monthly orgy." Please help, I'm running out of ideas. She doesn't buy the orgy excuse anymore. She knows I'm too self-centered to enjoy one.

2. Since I assume David Sedaris is equally as self-obssesed as yours truly, he must do Google searches for himself regularly. And thanks to Sitemeter, I now know that random Google searches are a significant source of readership. So, I figure if I type "David Sedaris" enough times, eventually he will find my blog (how's that for Ivy League-trained reasoning? Vote Obama!). With that in mind,

David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris Find815 David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris Callme,JakeGylenhall David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris OrDavidBeckham David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris Ishouldbedisbarred David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris Don'tyouhaveanythingbettertodo? David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris David Sedaris

3. There is no three. Aren't you pissed that I made you scroll all the way down for nothing?