Luke, I Am Your Lawyer

There are two Jonah K. Haslaps (well, three, if you count my BDSM avatar). There's the Jonah you all know and tolerate, the laugh-a-minute fellow who keeps you entertained during those dark times. When things look their worst, you know you can always turn to Jonah. At a minimum, his life makes yours actually seem tolerable. That Jonah is a puppy dog.

Then there's the rotweiler. The suit-and-tie Jonah, representative of large, multinational corporations, depended on each day by powerful, Fortune 500 clients to make crucial, life-and-death decisions on their behalf, like what kind of pasta salad should be served during shareholders meetings, and if a tree falls in the woods, can we chop down the rest of them. And even though I don't blog about my job -- discretion is the better part of valor, as well as my paycheck -- it does keep me quite busy at times, distracting me from lavishing warm and sloppy kisses on your collective psyches.

I know what you're thinking. How dare they! Who do they think they are, taking over Jonah's life like this? Could they possibly pay him enough to make it worth this?

Unfortunately, yes, they do. They pay me enough. They pay me ass-buckets of enough. I have enough coming out my ears.

But all hope is not lost! No, hope is alive, and it is audacious. Here's what you can do to bring about audaciously hopeful change:

Pay me.

It's just that simple. Pay me to blog. Again, I know what you're thinking. Why pay him for something we can get for free? Aren't there other blogs on the internet that are of equal or better quality, whose authors do not ask for monetary reimbursement?

Yes. Yes, there are. Many. In fact, if I were you, I'd stop reading right now, out of protest for this outrageous request.

Still there? Man, there's a sucker born every minute. Which explains Log Cabin Republicans. Seriously, folks. How much is a smile worth? How about a giggle? A guffaw? A hearty chuckle? Let's have an open, honest discussion about this, and come to a mutually agreeable understanding of my monetary worth. No, this isn't a democracy, but I am a benevolent dictator. And once our mutually agreeable understanding is acceptable to me, let the money start flowing. I accept cash, credit cards, travelers checks, cashiers checks, money orders, moneygrams, Euros, Yen, Deutschemarks, and, depending on your gender and stats, possibly oral sex.

So whip out those checkbooks, fill up those quill pens, and say it with me -- Yes, we can!

But until those checks start arriving (four figures a week at least, please -- I have an expensive chocolate chip cookie addiction), I will be forced to continue to compromise my beliefs, my morals, and occassionally, my lower back flexibility. And until then, you will have to suffer in silence, gnashing your teeth (or, for one particularly unfortunate friend who recently bit into an overly-cooked cashew, dental implants), waiting impatiently for my next lengthy, inane, and mostly rambling story that you won't fully understand or, due to your MTV-induced ADD, actually finish. Because the best things in life require credit checks.

Still, I don't want to leave you totally in a lurch -- everyone needs a laugh, even cheap bastards like you -- so Jonah K. Haslap endorses Miss Piggy for President!!!